Pretty Depressing (no pun intended)

I was recently diagnosed with manic depression and panic disorder. I never thought this would be me, but it is. I take a perscription Lexapro pill every day and I have an "emergency" panic pill like Wesley in the movie Wanted. I always used to spend my time making fun of people with this disorder. I would say "Oh, they're just looking for an excuse to see a doctor!" or "Those people just need to chill out." Well, as a matter of fact, that is the most difficult thing to do. When I get frustrated or upset or worried, it takes me hours to cool off. Now, with the aid of my medicine, I can cool down in minutes. The Lexapro, which usually takes about 2 weeks to take effect, has shown improvements in me over 6 days. Just hope, for me, that this all works out!

The Big Finish

I wrote this very elaborate, lovely blog last night and when I went to publish it, I lost my Internet connection. Sorry, I was so mad, I wasn't even going to try and make a new one. So here it is.

30 days have come and gone. What have we learned? After three years of smoking, someone can kick the habit. Even though they slip here and there, it is still accomplish able. Quitting is presented as such a difficult task. I really didn't find it as challenging as I thought. Of course, the process sucked, but it was more or less fun. It was entertaining!

I know this sounds ridiculous to those who have seen me smoke on this "entertaining" trip, but I am a non-smoker. I do not rely on cigarettes to get me through the day. The main goal has been reached and I no longer have to rely on something so bad. If I keep praying and relying on Jesus, I will get by just fine.

I want to thank everybody who has been reading. Thank you so much. Just knowing that people view this site is awesome. I am not going to be writing a book, because this is just not as credible as I thought it would have been. I hope this has been interesting to you.

I will be continuing this blog, but not with a day counter anymore. It also may not be as frequent. But feel free to keep reading.

Thank you, Father, for the strength and focus I have needed. Thank you for these people and they're commitment to me. Forgive me for the slip ups, but give me the strength to keep going. In your glorified name I pray, Amen.

Day 28 and 29

Well, it seems as if we are nearing the end of a journey. I have been slipping down this road, as I have written before. But I think it is OK to not even think about that and think about the ultimate task at hand; my rid of nicotine addiction. Although I have smoked on this path, it wasn't a wasted one. I feel like a better person. I have become stronger. These slip ups will happen no more.

One more day, people. Just pray I get through that one. I hope to finish up this 30 day series with a nice run around the block with my new lungs. It will be nice to actually not feel like I am having a heart attack just from a simple exercise. And if it does still feel that way, then I an going to Dr. Badescu immediately.

Day 27

It's Friday night and I am going to spend it doing my taxes. Hopefully my return will be as much as calculated. This was my biggest grossing year yet and I am paying for school out of pocket. It's nice.

Practice for worship last night was very "tense." I was scared. As soon as I stepped on the stage, I felt the frustration. Steve was very forceful. Everybody looked glum. We did like a 15 minute sound check. All of it totally reflected onto me. I became very angry and tired and upset. I just wanted to shove that acoustic guitar down Steve's throat.

The warm weather is definately feeling very nice. I remember, when I used to smoke, I would leave my windows down 24/7, unless it were going to rain or go below 30 degrees. But I just recently realized how much this summer is going to suck worse than this winter. My car doesn't have AC and I like the windows down anyways. It is going to be such a tease to leave the windows down and drive. Driving was the worst for me. I could smoke 3 cigarettes in a 20 minute drive because I was bored. Now, just turn up the jams!

Day 26

I just found out the changes. I am getting back the most money I've ever had. My taxes rocked! I can't wait to be financially stable again.

Online poker players suck.

Well, today was my first math test. I was so nervous. Even though I know the material, I was totally scared. Some of the figures were ridiculous. Things didn't really reduce well and the graphs were weird. Ugh. I have that feeling that I bombed it! I don't know.

Five days. I am going to St. Louis (If I can afford it).

Day 25

Has anyone ever seen the movie, Blow? It is so good. I wish I could sell drugs and make millions. It would be immoral, but awesome. Tons of money sounds so good, right now. I just would never want to live in Columbia.

I was totally bashed today for being an Obama supporter. I fold so bad under pressure, and I sure was pressured. It was so horrifying. "Why do you support him? He's making the country go bankrupt!" I'm pretty sure Bush got us there...

Cigarette tax needs to be 100 percent. Fair or unfair, it benefits EVERYONE!

Day 24

People can really have influence on each other. I look to so many people for counsel. It just sucks because one of the people I look to, ignores me and never really wants to listen. It kind of makes me sad.

I don't know why, but I've been really depressed. I probably don't show it, but I really have been. I think with all the homework and work and lack of sleep, it all just adds up. I have had so many headaches lately. Ugh. I have no room to complain since I am barely even into the real world yet.

Maybe I need a new form of counsel. Should I go to a couselor? I don't know. I just wanna vent at someone!

Day 23

Monday nights never are fun for me. I know it's monday, and what kind of fun is there to be had on a Monday night, right? Baracco's for cards. Early bed time. Online poker. The list is long.

Dr. Lee is just one silly little guy. I am going to tell you the joke he told us (remember, this is a little asian man from who is not taller than my man boobs).

Our class was saying that we were going to have a bad day if we had to do a bunch of homework. He says this, "Oh no, you want to hear bad day? I got out of shower this morning and put shirt on and button, it fall off. I say 'this is going to be bad day.' Then, I go to put on my glasses and, uh, the lens fall out. 'This going to be bad day.' As I walk out the door, I grab briefcase and handle break off. 'This going to be bad day!' Now, all day, I be worried to go to bathroom!"

Endo Story.

Day 22

This post will offend some people. I apologize in advance.

I don't understand republicans. "Balack Obama?" Are you kidding me? That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard! Honestly, most of my "left-sided" friends are 100 percent against Obama. Which makes no sense. There are three people on my mind that I am thinking of. I am not going to name names because that would be school yard talk.

These people stand, in this country, as a working citizen. They work hard for their money and they know it. They are proud of that. They believe in an equal labor force (i.e. a labor union). But for some reason, they voted for the candidate who is AGAINST LABOR UNIONS AND LABOR ORGANIZATIONS. Two of the people I am thinking of work VERY hard. I have seen one of them come home in a sweat, even after driving an hour to get home.

One of the other persons I am thinking of is totally anti-abortion. Same here! I am not about to preach to you again and again about my views on abortion and America! It's ridiculous.

Basically what I am trying to say is this: many of the people that voted republican in the 2008 presidential election voted that way because Barack Obama is of African decent. They are afraid of change. That's OK, but to base you political standpoint and become an UNMOVABLE object on something so silly?! I have never seen such mediocrity.

Every freaking time I turn on the T.V. and PRESIDENT Obama is on there, all my republican "friends/family" have to go and say something; whether it being about him being black or whatever. It drives me absolutely nuts! Most of the republicans now a days are Christians or Catholics. They should know that God didn't give them the right to judge. Did God tell them to be unfair?

I know I probably missed a lot and will probably get corrected or rebuddled by a conservative reader, but whatever. It's late, I have to be up in 5 hours for work. Leave me alone and listen to what I had to say.

I'm sorry for being so assertive. I didn't smoke today.